Day 19

My birthday.

I sit here, listening to a CD from C, entitled 'Beauty in Meaning'. The first song is 'Helplessly Hoping' by CSNY. All the words are so meaningful -- "the sound of goodbye"/"the empty place inside". I miss her so much. I talked to her on the phone, and R for the first time and my parents. I cried on the phone with C - she ordered a poster for me, and I opened it while I talked to her -- Willow and Tara, from "Once More With Feeling". Speaking of, 'Standing' is the second song. I never cry with this song, but I just might now. Like before, it's just a culmination of so many things - it's my birthday, everyone sang to me here - God, now the reprise of 'Standing/Under Your Spell'. I just her Amber Benson's voie and the tears came to my eyes.

...

I can't write.
C, what have you done? Now, 'I Can't Take My Eyes Off You'.
I've never sobbed on my birthday before.
I had so many things I wanted to write about, but they're all gone now. I can't think.
My gifts - a magnet from my mom that says "wherever you go, go with all your heart", and from her embroidery floss, and a poster with the historical meaning of the name Tara. She's a goddess -- really!
A big teddy bear and a Thai learning book (that I already have) from my host family - 4 cakes.
Now 'That Kind of Love'. I think I should lie down.

Music has such power over me.

Day 18

I was sick today, and it was so hard - I missed my mom so much, especially in the doctor's office, seeing little kids curled up to their parents chests, miserable but knowing they were safe there. I spent the day at home, watched movies (HP and Serenity) in and out of sleep and dizzyness. I checked my email several times and finally got an email from C when I just checked. I read a lot of the Golden Compass. And I finally remembered to put it down that I feel like I'm just in a new part of the US, not a new country. God, I wish I could feel like this is real.

It just happened so fast - like I said I was going to go, and then all of a sudden, I actually had to leave. It was too fast.

I didn't think it would really happen.

In the email that I got from C, she said she had told a friend of hers...about 'us'. That's the word she used. 'us'. I froze as I read that. Since I sent my letter, I was so sure I had misread her words and interpreted them too deeply, but then - 'us'. If she does want to be...together (and I can't believe I'm saying all this in earnest, but it makes me so happy) I will tell her how much that little word means to me -- I hope my letter gets there soon.

Day 17

Here I am again. Today, school was overall okay. Math was fun again, but a little less so - not that it was bad. It's just hard to measure up to yesterday.

I also had Thai dance today, which was a disaster. It was so hard and so painful, and everyone else knew the steps already, and did them so quickly - the hand signals were second nature to them. Not to me. And there's words we have to say, too. It was for two hours. In the first hour, Adjan Sumlee was there and she helped a bit, but during the second, she was gone. I had been near to the tear-zone even while she was there. Once she left, I was dangerously close. They (students and teacher) spoke almost no English, and the teacher especially seemed to think that if she spoke louder, slower, and directly in my face, I would understand. It was terrible. I don't want to go back.

After that, on the verge of tears, I had to endure catcalls (possibly compliments) and people wanting to shake my hand, and I was waiting for a friend who didn't come. Then I finally went to lunch and sat with fun people, at least two of whom were on diets, which made me think (again) about how unhappy I am with my body. I don't approve of diets, but I will do something, I think.

Then I had free periods and played 9 games of Freecell (won 8) and read some of The Golden Compass (which, incidentally, is still brilliant) and then went to an English class. I had fun there.

Then I came home and went to the stadium and ran - a lot. I checked my email, but I didn't get anything from C, which made me sad. However, I did get an actual letter from her (that I'm not sure if it's a birthday thing or not, so I'll wait to open it) and one from CM as well. I'm going to read the latter right now.

(Photo 3)

This is post-first-day-speech, and I think it's funny just how much I stick out! : ) Check out the tons of kids behind us --- that was my audience!

Day 16

(My friend 'My')


I finished the letter to C - about how I didn't like her that way before and do now and GOD - I'm so scared about sending it -- the more I wait, the more certain I am she will not have meant what I thought she did ~~I can only sigh.

School was hard and wonderful in streaks today. I studied alone 1st, played tennis 2nd (and everyone watched me mess up and I nearly cried), was supposed to study Thai 3rd, but this lady spoke almost no English and showed me powerpoint presentations on Surat Thani (written in Thai) and I think she thought I understood them. Then, 4th, I went to basketball with My, which was a little better than tennis -- then I went to lunch and dribbled all over myself, then went to MATH! I had a wonderful time in that class. I felt smart. I love math, and everything just went wonderfully there. I sat with My. Then I went and watched M. 1 students dance, then met older kids and answered questions for a while.

Math was so great. I can't get over it. It balanced out the morning. I hope C emails me soon.

Day 15

Today, Bai Teue moved into my room - well, it was her room to begin with, anyway. And my bee sting thing made my hand swell up and itch and hurt. And in the morning, I was in a really bad mood. It was no fun. I even swore at the bugs in the bathroom. Blah. - I woke up a lot last night, so I hadn't gotten enough sleep.

I got to school and had to walk into the courtyard by myself. And sit with my class. I talked to people, I shook hands with a lot of kids, and saw a bunch of boys staring at me. I don't know how to deal with them. And the girls ask me what I like in men, and which ones are handsome, and if I like Thai boys, and...

I went to a dance class - ballroom, and it was so much fun. I found some friends, but I don't remember their names, but I know their faces. I danced with a boy that I think is gay, and it just made me giggle that he was dancing the man's part and I the girl's! I even danced with the teacher a tone point, and everyone clapped! It was great.

I went to lunch with the same boy, and then went to a classroom (M.6-8) where kids asked me questions. I went to a Thai music class, too, and played the drums. It was fun. Then I went home.

I need to sleep, so now I'm going to bed.

Day 14

This day was fun. It started rough when my host mom seemed to have been waiting for me when I thought I was waiting for her - yeah, that was no fun. But then, I went to school where they were interviewing students that wanted to go abroad with AFS. Jiska was there, and that was the fun part. We talked a lot about being here, and then played games and did logic puzzles.

Then, Fifa came and got me and we went and had a picnic at our neighbor Napok's fruit plantation/grove thingie. I ate a lot of food, Fifa and the other kids played in the stream, and we cut rambutan from the trees. I was stung by a wasp. We cut down gigantic branches and harvested the rambutan. We drove home in Napok's van and I fell asleep - I woke up to an offer for an iced coffee, which I drank and finished as I read some of Perks of Being a Wallflower. Then, I put my pictures from my camera on the computer and got an email from C about coming out to her parents. I should write more about it, but I'm actually in the middle/beginning of a very intense letter to her. I will write more about that later. Anyway, I sent pictures home and then I began writing said letter, and then I met a girl from down the street who is my age (a little older). We talked, I showed her pictures, and Fifa bounced around. He was so affectionate today, in a rambunctious little boy way. At one point, I said to him as I showed Gift (her name) pictures, "Fifa, if you want to stay in here, you have to be calm." and he, completely earnest said, "Become what?" It was hilarious.

Then, the three of us, eventually four (Bai Teue joined us) had a tickling fight in the main hallway and we were joined by three small neighbors - two boys ( I don't remember their names) and Opa, a little girl. We played a Thai game like Blind Man's Bluff, then one like Duck Duck Goose, and then I taught them Duck Duck Goose. It was wonderful. I laughed so hard, and we all laughed, and it felt so good.