(Author's Note 3)

Translations:

"Adjan" = teacher/mr/mrs(for a teacher)

"Kop koodn ka" = thank you

"Sawat dee ka" = hello

Ka/kap --- words placed at the end of the sentence to be polite. Ka is for girls, kap for guys.

Day 11

Midday

Today was my first day of school, and I had to make a speech and I was so nervous. I was physically shaking and I was treated like a movie star, and all I can think about is the book I'm reading - "The Perks of Being a Wallflower".

The book amazes me. The writing is the way I think - the pace, the inconsistency and yet flow, the feelings. On pages 95-96, and 93, I've connected so deeply and earnestly with the book that it makes my heart speed up. He talks about feeling that everything that is new and wonderful to you (books, songs) has all been felt by someone before. He talks about wanting to cry less because when he cries for something he really cares about he doesn't want it to mean less. It is just wonderful.

I really understand the author, and it is wonderful. It makes me feel infinite.

Nighttime

Now I can talk about school = I went and was so nervous. I could barely eat breakfast. I got there and heads began to turn even as I stayed in the car. Once I got out, outright stares followed me, and giggles, and sweet, innocent smiles. A few people dared a "Hello!" which I returned with a smile, but mostly I was worried about my speech. After the national anthem, and prayer, I was introduced and presented with a bouquet and a present (which I later discovered contained a backpack, P.E. uniform, and yellow t-shirt). They gave my host parents a bouquet, too. Then, I had to speak. I just said, "Sawat dee ka" and all the students applauded. I smiled, and knew I could go on. I did, and finished. Later, after visiting the university for an arts and crafts exhibition, I was going to the car with Kun Mae, and a bunch of girls followed me, giggling. One of them said after a few minutes - "You...beautiful!" and it was so sweet. Then, they muttered something and Kun Mae said "They like to know where you from?" and I said, "America." "OOOOH!" they all said! It was so funny!

As I sat in Adjan Samlee's office, a young girl came in. She was crying, and said nothing. I can't speak enough Thai to know how to ask "what's wrong?" or "are you okay?", so I had to just sit there. Finally, I remembered that I had a tissue in my bag and I gave it to her. She gave a muffled "Kop-koodn ka." through her tears, and we sat again ~~ silence.

Today I felt truly happy, and not just because of the attention. I was just happy. I read some of 'Perks of Being a Wallflower", and I listened to 'Zak and Sara'. And I was happy. Truly.

Day 10

Wow. Double digits.

I got a letter from C today. I called her (before I opened it), and my parents. I was in control as I talked to her and my mom, but I almost lost it when I had to say goodbye to my dad. I'm listening to Maybe Bop. Today we visited Kun Mae's father (who owns a fruit plantation and gave me 1000 baht) and everyone stared at me. Kun Poh and I went to an art exhibition at a university, and kids watched me in astonishment as I passed. I felt like a saint as I waved and smiled at some of them, and their faces broke into the sincerest of all smiles.

Mostly now all I can think of is C's letter. Well, C in general. I'm so confused. Her letter was wonderful - it brought tears to my eyes and squeezed my heart so tight. But still, I'm confused. When I told her about me being lesbian, I really didn't think that she would tell me she felt the same way. I think it's wonderful and it touched me, but it's sort of how - (....) - well, again, with C it is different. I do love her. I really do, but I don't know what kind of love, friendship or otherwise. I do think she is beautiful, but i never had a crush on her. Not the blushing/giggling kind. I'm so confused.

Her letter was so kind, and as I read it, 'Take On Me' came on. It was so touching.

I want to write a song --- aaah. And speaking of, there's Julia. I don't know if C is finding other girls attractive, and if she's not, and it's just me, then I feel bad - unfaithful. I want to know for sure about C. I never want to break her heart. I would rather she break mine - by finding someone else, I mean. Then I would know for sure.

School starts tomorrow. I have to make a speech in front of 2300 students plus teachers. It doesn't feel real. None of it does.

I think every day now, I'm still half expecting to go home at any minute. It's comforting, but a guilty kind of comfort.

I don't understand.

Day 9

Midday

It is thundering, and I'm listening to "Crystal" on Olivia's mix. Kun Mae is washing my school uniform. I start on Thursday. This morning, we went to the store and Kun Mae kept reminding me of my own mom, running around and buying everything for me, like my mom did before I left. Even thinking about it makes me teary. Before that, we went to buy my uniform. we got three skirts, three shirts, a belt and shoes and socks. Then we went to get my name embroidered on the shirts - Sukalaya Inthajak. While we waited at the embroidery place, I practiced numbers and some vocabulary with Kun Mae, and the shopkeeper smiled. It was very sweet, welcoming.

I'm listening to 'Big Girls Don't Cry' and I had a revelation. A verbal one, so I can write it down. I need to understand - it will be a year before I see my parents again. My sister again. My friends again. A year. This is my life. Now I have to understand that. I don't yet, but I know I will have to. I need to stop thinking about going back. Goddess, it's hard. It's not that I don't want to know my family or the culture. I just want to press fast-forward so I can have the knowledge of the language, and their love, and then go back to my family.

Ten after Eight

I tried a lot of new food. Durian, rambutan, little green fruits, guava - and I just sent a mass e-mail to people at home and checked facebook. I actually feel okay about it. I don't want to use facebook that much while I'm here, or e-mail. It's so different from letters. You don't have to think about what you say because it gets there in 30 seconds. It doesn't mean as much. It closes the gap, but in a bad way.

We visited the stadium - athletic complex and while Fifa went to swim, we (Kun Poh and Bei-Deue and I) walked around, and Kun Poh asked me about Meadville. We talked, and it was nice. Simple. People connecting. Bai-Deue is so shy. She is very sweet, and when she smiles, I can really see her. She helped me today - we made a drawing of a person and labeled parts, and then objects around the house.

After we got back, I sat with Kun Poh in the kitchen and he talked with me. I gave him the letter from my parents, and he spoke at length about a difference between Thai people and Americans and Europeans - that Thai people care so much, and want to make me a part of their family. He says they care so much it might seem like an invasion of privacy, but it isn't. They really care, and love me. He was so sincere - it was lovely to hear. He really ment it. I gave him, Kun Mae, Bai Deue, and Ah-nam their presents, but Fifa was still swimming. I will give his to him tomorrow. Now, bedtime.

(Author's Note 2)

The prefix 'Kun' is used for names of older family members. It's sort of the distinction between 'Mom' and Mother, or maybe closer to 'Mommy' and Mom/Mother -- so if I called my parents Kun Mae and Kun Poh (how I wrote them phonetically - I know it's weird. They sound like -- Koon May and Koon Paw respectively, but I didn't like how that looked to write each time!), I was calling them the slightly more formal name, whereas my host siblings left out the 'kun'.

---

Also, the note said:
"I'm so proud of you, little one. How do you like your new room?"

Day 8

I am in my new bedroom. 7 hours on a train, and then my advisor, Jiska (from Germany) and I pulled into Suratthani. When I stepped out of the car, I was swarmed with people and within seconds had several lone roses and two bouquets. My father, smiling. My host brother jumping up and down, my sister shy, my mother kissing my cheek as my coordinator pressed yet another bouquet on me. My gaze met Jiska's several times, and I met the same kind of overwhelmed, half teary happiness there. My cheeks trembled with the effort of smiling.

Somehow, I made it to the car. My sister was quiet, brother bouncing, and mother trying to speak English. The car ride was difficult. I was desperate to understand, but I can't hear the difference from them speaking Thai with each other and their heavily accented and broken English. Things mostly went well. The house is beautiful, my room enormous and now everything of mine is put away. That took some will power.

After we went out to dinner and got ice cream (to which my brother after smiling in his most adorable fashion tenderly, disbelievingly holding my arm declared: "Dish-dish-deliciot!"), I came home and met their neighbors, and tried to shower (the water being cold and I didn't want to take too long). Then I came to my room. I had been holding off tears since the last hour on the train and told myself to wait until I had the comfort of a bed and pillow to let them out. Clothing putting away was fine, and then I came across a note crammed into one of my dress shoes, from my mother. They threatened to spill then, but I held it in once more. Now everything is away and I am alone, and I don't feel like I'm going to cry. It's good, I suppose, but I (as bad as it sounds) kind of looked forward to the release.

I think I will sleep...perchance to dream.

----

(later)

I needn't have worried. I cried.

(Author's Note 1)

Hey! I have a couple things to say.

First of all, it's astounding to read through this journal, because I remember almost each and every day, and certainly the events I wrote about --- but when I think back on the days, I didn't realize that I only wrote about so little of them! I mean, these journal entries already took a lot of time to write, but the memories that I have that are so strong don't even show up here, some of them, and I'm just surprised! I guess it shows what really was on my mind at the time, at least at the time of going to bed, since that's when I wrote most of the time.

Also, a second note: The letter 'P' at the beginning of a name indicates an older person. Not necessarily old, but older than whoever is talking, if that makes sense. It's a form of respect. I wrote with it in front of the names of the people that I called that, and at the same time, my host siblings would have to put that syllable at the beginning of my name. Just wanted to clear that up!

And lastly, if the names of people getting abbreviated to only first letters gets confusing (when there are people whose names begin with the same letter), I apologize. It's how I feel most comfortable writing.

Day 7

Last day of orientation. Adia, Julia and I thought we might sing a song for the Welcome Party this evening, and we hung out with a bunch of people, singing in our room. Eventually, though, we decided that we weren't' going to sing. I sat with my advisor at dinner. Many people got up and showed things. Then, P.Orm said, "And now, from USA, Julia and Adia."

I felt so hurt. They sang "I do it for you", which is beautiful and completely about God as I really know now. They both love him, trust him, believe in him, so it makes sense they would sing it, but I still felt so left out. I don't know how to say anything about it, but I don't want to pretend it didn't happen. That's probably how it'll go. We'll see.

Now Julia's drawing Autumn. Feel left out again.

I know it is useless to feel so jealous and angry when a straight girl flirts with a boy, but I am.
Biano. Danish. Julia. I always have to look away.

After the party, I ran into a newfound friend (Meike from Belgium), who looks like Martina. I was sitting next to her when I felt homesick yesterday. Today it was just hurting her so badly. She cried ,and I hugged her, and she cried and talked to me about how here especially, we have to smile, and it doesn't feel real, and people seem to be acting. And we get here after saying goodbye to our old friends and make new friends, and tomorrow, we have to say goodbye to them, too. She was so honest, and so helpless, but stronger by the end. Eventually, I helped her to use a pay phone, and when I left, she was speaking in her own language and not in tears. I told her to breathe, and remember that "This too shall pass". I was happy she felt she could talk to me. Very happy.

This day got very complex near the end.

Tomorrow, I meet my host family.

Day 6

Our first real day of Orientation in Bangkok. Surprisingly, I don't have as much to say about the orientation itself.

We had a break before dinner, and Adia (a girl from the US) wanted to hear Julia sing after hearing her in the airport, so we went up to our room. Then, she sang (after a LOT of cajoling), the song from the airport, "I do it for you" - and after our religion talk last night, it made a different kind of sense.
(Our religion talk was long, intense, dizzying, terrifying, and empowering all at once. I don't know if I can really write about it. I brought up a lot of questions, and Julia really explained the depth and complexity of her love for Jesus and never before have I heard Christianity explained with such tenderness. I still found the same 'snag' that I usually do in the stories (homosexuality,etc.) but things that before had been background became beautiful. If I were God, no matter what she did with the rest of her life, I would bring her to Heaven (if it does exist) just for the beauty and love and passion and humility of her words.)

It was disappointing, which, in turn, made me disappointed in me. The fact that when things move towards religion (Christianity) they don't mean as much to me disappoints me. I just - I find it so hard. And I can't tell her I don't want to lose what I have.

Adia and Julia and I sang together, too. Julia played guitar and gave us a harmony (just one sentence) to a melody she sang, and twice (for probably at least 5 minutes each) we played with the notes and words, improvising as we sang. It was wonderful, and people came into the room and listened.

Julia. Something I didn't expect. A mystery, placid and beautiful in the bed next to mine. She has made me jealous, made me question, made me smile, and made me leave a room full of people for fear of tears. She has made me wonder.

I felt homesick for the first time today. Near tears. Most of it was hearing the Germans speak and thinking of C. I could feel it creep up on me, the gravity and subtle hopelessness. It's gone now, but boy, that was a scary feeling. I know it can get worse, but now I've had a taste.

(Why must it be that we take such advantage in peace?)

Day 5

We visited the Grand Palace today in Bangkok, and the Temple of the Emerald Buddha. I was in absolute awe in the temple - I felt such energy there, reverence. It was just beautiful. I can't describe it.

I know I want to study languages now. AFSers are arriving from everywhere - Iceland, Denmark, France, Hungary, Switzerland, Norway, and at dinner tonight, I spent the whole time with the girl from Switzerland, and it was amazing! Then, as we were leaving the palace, I was trying to talk with one of the two girls from Hungary. She was very nice, and I had told her that I speak German, and she said that she spoke German much better than English. Then, there was something that she was trying to tell me and she couldn't in English, so I suggested German. She said it in German, and I understood! It was so amazing. It felt wonderful to understand.

Heehee...Julia is singing in the shower. I have mixed feelings about her today. She said something was "gay" meaning stupid, which I haven't heard her do before, and I was disappointed. But she's still so amazing -- we'll have to see. I think she was flirting with the guy from Denmark (Biano), and it was hard for me. But this isn't a blushing crush. I've only ever had one of those...Amber Benson. Keith didn't even compare.

Things are complicated. I'll just keep going, I guess. Life. I plan to live.

Day 4

We arrived in Bangkok, and each of us got a lei of these real purple and white flowers. We drove to our hotel, through the city, and then came to the Rama Gardens. In the airport, I had the coolest experience - we were walking next to a moving walkway and on the walkway there was a group of people. They had light yellow tags on their luggage, like our AFS tags, and eventually, someone made eye contact and the idea 'AFS' got across, and then everyone was smiling and laughing - they were the AFSers from Italy to Thailand! Then later, at a meeting in the hotel, I sat next to two Hungarian students, and I had just a wave of passion for languages as I listened to them speak and wanted so much to understand.

In the hotel, Julia and I are roommates. I couldn't believe it. I was so happy.

She met a girl that she hosted last year - she was so happy to see her -- I tried not to be jealous, and it was really hard. She must be straight. I thought not, but I think I was wrong. Amazing, yes, but straight which sets up a boundary. I'm saying this wrong, though. Straight isn't bad. I just hoped otherwise. Hmm...I think I'll go to sleep -- in Bangkok. Wow.

I still don't get it.

Day 2/3 (Part 3)

Then we went to dinner, which was a fun affair. Shamey (who reminds me of Dr. Cox) sat with us and we got to having a discussion of what animals we would be if we could pick, and in turn what animals we actually thought we were most similar to. (Julia said a wolf for what she would be, and a canary for what she wanted to be). Then we did the same with dog breeds, and we said them to each other. I said Spenser was a greyhound because he is tall (6'2''), slender and graceful without being arrogant. (I didn't say pompous, but he truly is.) He thanked me and in turn said I was a border collie, because I am intelligent and (something I can't quite remember) and also gentle. I thanked him in return. We did the same thing with trees, naming ourselves, and Julia and I (without any discussion) (she wasn't at the table when I said mien) both said we would be willow trees.

After dinner, one boy demonstrated some martial arts things he had just learned and it was very cool to watch. Then, Julia sang one of her own songs without accompaniment by her guitar of anything. It was about knowing only that you left what you love behind and the unknown ahead. Then, to finish our time with Shamey, we stood in a circle and passed around a walking stick that a Maori chief had carved for Shamey. While each person held the stick, they had to say something to the group. I nearly cried. I knew so many of them after barely more than 24 hours, and it was so touching - then we got on the bus for the airport.

About an hour and a half later, we were through security and at our gate. With a few requests from me, Julia took out her guitar. "This is my lullaby," she said and started to play. At least six different people took pictures of her as she played, and I wonder how lovesick I looked watching her. I couldn't help it. Her voice was so beautiful, and she was beautiful simply in herself, and it was amazing. At least twenty of us applauded when she finished, and she buried her face in her hands. Then, she asked me to play. I accepted the guitar and played a few tentative chords, reiterating how I really couldn't play the guitar in comparison to her. I began to strum 'Where Have All the Flowers Gone?' - Julia moved closer so she could hear the quiet chords, and she asked me to sing. So I did. I got halfway through the second line when she said, "No way!" I asked, and she said that this was the song her mother used to sing to her every night. "It's the reason I play guitar," she said. I kept playing and singing, and she sang a harmony with me. A few people watched. It was wonderful.

Day 2/3 (Part 2)

(Hmmm...."Suddenly I See")

Anyway, the next morning, we had breakfast at 9:00, and our orientation business ended at 11:00. Then, we went to the Manhattan beach. (Just as a side note, I think I'm looking down on Beijing right now!) Anyway, we went window shopping, pet puppies at the pet store, went to the boardwalk and the aquarium there. I was very excited for a few reasons, but one was the fact that I was in a group with a girl who caught my attention when we did the eye-contact activity. She brought a guitar with her on the trip. Her name is Julia. She's going for a full year as well. She is hilarious, just wild, but also very thoughtful. I remarked on her playing the guitar (upon which her roommate told me that Julia has a CD of her own original music that she plays and sings), and she asked me if I played. I told her I played a little, and she said, "Aw, see! I knew you were cool. I looked at you and was like, this girl's cool." She's also very pretty - she's very thin, and her light brown hair is about chin-length if it isn't pulled back. Not too thin, mind, but much more so than I. We played a game of 'dare you to lick...' and she climbed up a sign post to lick the street name, and I even licked the lid of a trash can, and my hands after playing with the puppies. Then, after some smoothies and things, Meagen (her roommate) and I went down to the beach, hopped some waves while the boys swam and Julia met with friends she has in L.A. After a while, Meagen and I Decided to build a sand castle, but it came out looking like a PokéBall! : ) I hung out a little bit with a striking girl named Autumn as well, and we talked about music mainly.

Eventually, we made it back to the hotel. There, we had at least an hour before dinner, and Julia, Meagen, Autumn, Maria, Jackie (one of the first people I made friends with) and I played cards in the lobby. We played BS, and then Killer (Basilisk), and I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. It was so wonderful. Making friends with these people so quickly is incredible. At one point, I laughed so hard that I snorted, and blushed scarlet with embarrassment. Still, Julia said she thought it was cute, which made the situation much brighter.

Day 2/3 (Part 1)

Once again, on a plane. The second day of our orientation in L.A. was wonderful. We had breakfast and a short bit of orientation stuff - oh. I just realized that I never wrote about arriving in L.A. I got off the plane and found my luggage and eventually made my way to the stop for hotel courtesy vans. I waited there for a while, very nervous, and then I saw a young man crossing over to the same stop and he was holding the 'What to do when uyou get off the plane in Los Angeles' paper that I have, and I called out to him. He was with AFS as well, and from Maryland. His name is Spenser.

We got to the Hacienda hotel and met Shamey, our orientation coordinator person, who automatically recognized my New Zealand necklace. We got nametags, etc, and then we just waited for the orientation to start. We could go to the hotel restaurant and get food and after Spenser and I did that, we sat and talked - for about three hours. Then, more people started arriving. We invited other students to come and sit with us in the lobby, other students spending a full year abroad (indicated by a red dot on our nametags). Eventually, we were assigned roommates and given a key to our rooms. I found out my roommate's name was Maria, but I hadn't met her yet. I took my luggage to the room and then we went to the orientation. We did several ice-breaker activities such as walking around and making eye contact with every person in the room for 2 or 3 seconds, and 'taking a stand' on several things (some political, some things like 'are your parents together' or 'were you born in this country'). Then we talked (and talked) about culturally adjusting, and we were prepared for not a completely sunshine and roses year.

We split up into our small groups (according to year program, summer community service, etc.) and I was so happy. Before, in the lobby when Spenser and I had found other people that were doing a full year, they were all guys. But in our group, there were several other girls, including Maria (my roommate). We were with a girl named Christina who had come back from a year in Hong Kong 2 days before our orientation. She was funny, intelligent, and very, very well spoken. Her stories and comments were motivational, and truly inspirational for me. At one point, I was very near tears.

We had dinner and watched several AFS videos after our small groups. Unfortunately for all of the east-coasters, especially those who got up at 3:00, 4:00, or 4:30 a.m., our orientation was to end at 10:00 p.m., or 1:00 a.m. our time. Coincidentally, I don't remember that much about the last part of the day. However, once I got to my room and met my roommate, we stayed up about for a half hour, showing each other pictures and eventually taking out our stuffed animals for bed!

July 2nd, 2007

Day 1

I don't know if I'll label every day, but seems a good place to start. I sit here, remarkably lucky in this plane to Los Angeles, with a window seat on a clear day and an open seat beside me. The man two seats away is kind, and tattoos cover his left arm in many different colors. He's reading a book about a spy that infiltrated America's "most violent motorcycle gang". How lovely.

Hm - 'Baker's Dozen' just came on my cd player.

I have on my corduroy pants (purple), a black shirt and my Tara jacket. I am wearing Claudia's necklace, the one from New Zealand from my dad, and on my right wrist, the peace-sign chain bracelet from Rachel. On my left, I have my new watch, bearing the time 12:05:40 (not digitally, I counted the seconds, and that's Pittsburgh-time I don't know what time zone we're in right now), my bracelet from Sarah (she says she got it in Africa), a finger-weaving bracelet from Leah, a many-strapped black leather bracelet with one bright red bead from Sutter, and finally, the rainbow-stone ("pride") bracelet from Elizabeth and Tracy. In my ears (both with two holes), I have a set of silver, small rings (a different set in each ear). And I'm carrying the 'Imagine' stone from Olivia in my pocket. I held it in my hand and Claudia's necklace in the other as we took off. The first song I listened to as we climbed into the sky was the Buffy theme.

I'm trying to understand all of this. As I walked down the jetway, I heard a baby start to wail, and all I could think of was "I know exactly how you feel." My dad came with me all the way to the gate and when he said goodbye, I couldn't speak. I had to leave my mom and sister before security. I really haven't yet realized how long it will be before I see them again. But I just had a real thought - a solid one that I didn't want to shove away for fear of tears (which I've done a LOT this morning) - I don't need to necessarily think of when I'll see them again - it's so long from now. It sounds cruel written down, but it really gave my heart a lift.

The people I'm going to meet in L.A. have never met me before. I'm completely new. Will they notice the telling bracelet? Will I chicken out and take it off? - That bracelet from Elizabeth and Tracy was part of a wonderful present including a necklace, earrings, and a flag all of the same colors. It made me cry. The card was so sweet - gentle, welcoming. I am happy I finally told her. She is wonderful.

I'm going to have a new life. I wonder if it will sink in by the time I have to leave.

I'm leaving all of the tensions of Meadville small-town life. My old high school. Stepping back from the tension between my parents. Leaving some of the jealousy of R and C. Stepping back from M, whom I don't want to lead on (subconsciously). Turning away from the pulls from different social groups. Avoiding the drug cycle of the H's and my mother.

I didn't think of any of these things when I chose to do this. I thought only of where I would be - and I still can't imagine.

I am flying over a desert, listening to the suite from 'Hush'. When I land, I get my baggage and go wait for a courtesy van from the hotel. And then our orientation. I wonder if anyone else thinks that's funny or if it's just me! : )

----- 12:39:15

Disclaimer, Of Sorts

When I begin to type out my diary entries, I'm making a commitment here and now to type them as they are, not as I wish I had written them. Some editing will be allowed at the author's discretion, considering this is the internet.

I will also, however, alter some of the names in this journal if need be. And some of the things that I mention at the beginning may be lacking backstory, but that makes sense --- this all would be lacking backstory to someone who hasn't lived the life I have.

If something's just unreasonably confusing, let me know.

Thank you for reading and for helping me to go through the process of revisiting this very intense and changing period of my life.