July 2nd, 2007

Day 1

I don't know if I'll label every day, but seems a good place to start. I sit here, remarkably lucky in this plane to Los Angeles, with a window seat on a clear day and an open seat beside me. The man two seats away is kind, and tattoos cover his left arm in many different colors. He's reading a book about a spy that infiltrated America's "most violent motorcycle gang". How lovely.

Hm - 'Baker's Dozen' just came on my cd player.

I have on my corduroy pants (purple), a black shirt and my Tara jacket. I am wearing Claudia's necklace, the one from New Zealand from my dad, and on my right wrist, the peace-sign chain bracelet from Rachel. On my left, I have my new watch, bearing the time 12:05:40 (not digitally, I counted the seconds, and that's Pittsburgh-time I don't know what time zone we're in right now), my bracelet from Sarah (she says she got it in Africa), a finger-weaving bracelet from Leah, a many-strapped black leather bracelet with one bright red bead from Sutter, and finally, the rainbow-stone ("pride") bracelet from Elizabeth and Tracy. In my ears (both with two holes), I have a set of silver, small rings (a different set in each ear). And I'm carrying the 'Imagine' stone from Olivia in my pocket. I held it in my hand and Claudia's necklace in the other as we took off. The first song I listened to as we climbed into the sky was the Buffy theme.

I'm trying to understand all of this. As I walked down the jetway, I heard a baby start to wail, and all I could think of was "I know exactly how you feel." My dad came with me all the way to the gate and when he said goodbye, I couldn't speak. I had to leave my mom and sister before security. I really haven't yet realized how long it will be before I see them again. But I just had a real thought - a solid one that I didn't want to shove away for fear of tears (which I've done a LOT this morning) - I don't need to necessarily think of when I'll see them again - it's so long from now. It sounds cruel written down, but it really gave my heart a lift.

The people I'm going to meet in L.A. have never met me before. I'm completely new. Will they notice the telling bracelet? Will I chicken out and take it off? - That bracelet from Elizabeth and Tracy was part of a wonderful present including a necklace, earrings, and a flag all of the same colors. It made me cry. The card was so sweet - gentle, welcoming. I am happy I finally told her. She is wonderful.

I'm going to have a new life. I wonder if it will sink in by the time I have to leave.

I'm leaving all of the tensions of Meadville small-town life. My old high school. Stepping back from the tension between my parents. Leaving some of the jealousy of R and C. Stepping back from M, whom I don't want to lead on (subconsciously). Turning away from the pulls from different social groups. Avoiding the drug cycle of the H's and my mother.

I didn't think of any of these things when I chose to do this. I thought only of where I would be - and I still can't imagine.

I am flying over a desert, listening to the suite from 'Hush'. When I land, I get my baggage and go wait for a courtesy van from the hotel. And then our orientation. I wonder if anyone else thinks that's funny or if it's just me! : )

----- 12:39:15