Wow. Double digits.
I got a letter from C today. I called her (before I opened it), and my parents. I was in control as I talked to her and my mom, but I almost lost it when I had to say goodbye to my dad. I'm listening to Maybe Bop. Today we visited Kun Mae's father (who owns a fruit plantation and gave me 1000 baht) and everyone stared at me. Kun Poh and I went to an art exhibition at a university, and kids watched me in astonishment as I passed. I felt like a saint as I waved and smiled at some of them, and their faces broke into the sincerest of all smiles.
Mostly now all I can think of is C's letter. Well, C in general. I'm so confused. Her letter was wonderful - it brought tears to my eyes and squeezed my heart so tight. But still, I'm confused. When I told her about me being lesbian, I really didn't think that she would tell me she felt the same way. I think it's wonderful and it touched me, but it's sort of how - (....) - well, again, with C it is different. I do love her. I really do, but I don't know what kind of love, friendship or otherwise. I do think she is beautiful, but i never had a crush on her. Not the blushing/giggling kind. I'm so confused.
Her letter was so kind, and as I read it, 'Take On Me' came on. It was so touching.
I want to write a song --- aaah. And speaking of, there's Julia. I don't know if C is finding other girls attractive, and if she's not, and it's just me, then I feel bad - unfaithful. I want to know for sure about C. I never want to break her heart. I would rather she break mine - by finding someone else, I mean. Then I would know for sure.
School starts tomorrow. I have to make a speech in front of 2300 students plus teachers. It doesn't feel real. None of it does.
I think every day now, I'm still half expecting to go home at any minute. It's comforting, but a guilty kind of comfort.
I don't understand.
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It's interesting to me how confused you were about the whole C thing-- you would never guess that you had doubts at the beginning with how in love you are now! But it's interesting to me, this idea that the person who you were meant to be with was there all along, and you were unaware, and you didn't even have a crush on her. It's kind of comforting to realize that not all crushes end up meaning anything, and the people who matter most may already be right underneath our noses.
ReplyDeleteExactly. It's sort of -- in retrospect, it seems to me that my feelings for C were already so strong, but I just hadn't thought to put that label on them. And then as soon as I thought about doing that (and about asking her if that was what she meant -- you'll read about that later), I worried about being able to do that "right", if you know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteWhen I had just felt what I felt and let our relationship grow, it was easy and simple -- but as soon as I felt that it had a new name, I got nervous.
But thank God she was there to help me understand what it was I was feeling; I've never been happier.