Day 6

Our first real day of Orientation in Bangkok. Surprisingly, I don't have as much to say about the orientation itself.

We had a break before dinner, and Adia (a girl from the US) wanted to hear Julia sing after hearing her in the airport, so we went up to our room. Then, she sang (after a LOT of cajoling), the song from the airport, "I do it for you" - and after our religion talk last night, it made a different kind of sense.
(Our religion talk was long, intense, dizzying, terrifying, and empowering all at once. I don't know if I can really write about it. I brought up a lot of questions, and Julia really explained the depth and complexity of her love for Jesus and never before have I heard Christianity explained with such tenderness. I still found the same 'snag' that I usually do in the stories (homosexuality,etc.) but things that before had been background became beautiful. If I were God, no matter what she did with the rest of her life, I would bring her to Heaven (if it does exist) just for the beauty and love and passion and humility of her words.)

It was disappointing, which, in turn, made me disappointed in me. The fact that when things move towards religion (Christianity) they don't mean as much to me disappoints me. I just - I find it so hard. And I can't tell her I don't want to lose what I have.

Adia and Julia and I sang together, too. Julia played guitar and gave us a harmony (just one sentence) to a melody she sang, and twice (for probably at least 5 minutes each) we played with the notes and words, improvising as we sang. It was wonderful, and people came into the room and listened.

Julia. Something I didn't expect. A mystery, placid and beautiful in the bed next to mine. She has made me jealous, made me question, made me smile, and made me leave a room full of people for fear of tears. She has made me wonder.

I felt homesick for the first time today. Near tears. Most of it was hearing the Germans speak and thinking of C. I could feel it creep up on me, the gravity and subtle hopelessness. It's gone now, but boy, that was a scary feeling. I know it can get worse, but now I've had a taste.

(Why must it be that we take such advantage in peace?)